?This is why you get drunk by yourself. Because you don’t listen to other people.?
?Delete her number.
Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.
Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.
She loves you.
She has been in love with you for too long.
So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.
Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.
Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.
Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.
What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.
Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?
She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.
But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.?
Lauren Hooper (via mrsfscottfitzgerald)
Fucking preach… This put me into tears cause this is exactly where I am in life. The sad thing about it is I know… and I’m still letting it fucking happen to me.. Why.
I liked reading this. It was very imperative and engaging and lots of other good things.(via gingerhobbit-tealover)
thisispemoo said: The lead singer of FIR happens to be one of the biggest twatbaggies in the music industry which might explain the chauvinistic lyrics. hue.
totally not surprised. hahaha twatbaggies. so frustrating to listen to them.. elaine listens to some strange bands. i feel like i fail as an older sister for letting her listen to these songs.. hahaha
My phone battery went down 65% in ~5 hours. So I need a portable battery charger or a new phone. Likely the second option since I need to claim the warranty on my phone since the screen is cracked.
I use tumblr like one would use facebook or twitter.. I should probably clean it up and sort it out.
I’m sitting in Noyes, too tired and reluctant to go out in the cold. Even though it’s still relatively warm compared to the snow/ice/rain/wind we’ve been having. Need to go run errands but I do so hate running around needlessly. Not to mention my meetings are so spaced out today so I just have periods of time to do nothing or idk.
I have some really weird music on my iPod. Shuffles are nice. Not a hassle. This song reminds me of The Nutcracker, although I doubt it is.
I need new shoes. Jin practically screamed at me to finally throw them away. Hahaha I wonder how long she was keeping that in.
Man, I suck at shopping so bad. I went shopping like 3-5 times over winter break and only bought a suit (out of last minute necessity) and a summer button down (got super lucky cos I just found it randomly). And I still need new shoes, pants, button downs, jackets/coats… essentially an entirely new wardrobe.. shopping is so difficult.. it’s like the devil’s work, I just don’t get it. I just can’t bring myself to waste money on anything I don’t immediately fall in love with.
So I maaaay get a co-op offer from KC. It’s not final or definite but seems like I have a pretty good chance. Unfortunately this means I’ll be in WI or GA for ~6 months and a semester behind in school. Papa Sine suggests really thinking about whether I want to do that and miss school. Mama Sine suggests taking the entire year off and studying abroad in England or somewhere in the spring. It’s funny cos I was actually going to study abroad in Korea (PohangU) during last fall. I got accepted, got my passport, and everything. Only reason that didn’t go through was cos my classes didn’t align and it would deter me for too long. Well, one semester but still. I wonder how things would’ve changed. It’s funny how people have a time and place for things. Things just fall into place. I wouldn’t have broken up with W-, wouldn’t have met J-, gotten back in touch with S-L, met a bunch of other people, been able to even be Treasurer or part of the EXPO committee, and consequently wouldn’t have opened up to Jesh or reached out to S&C. Wow, you can tell I’m really off my game when I start using “thing” in my writing. My inner high-schooler’s-aspiring-English-major cringes like no other.
Tomorrow is my sorority’s Formal. :3 Kinda stupid but I’m paying for it anyways in my dues and I miss dressing up and going out and I get to go with J- and he looks damn good in a suit even though he dislikes them and the whole idea of them. Merp.
I like Falling In Reverse although their songs are rather chauvinistic. Rain’s fault.
I didn’t think I wanted more piercings or a tattoo, but nowadays I’m finding myself wanting a double cartilage and a navel piercing. Still debating those. As for a tattoo, I feel like that’s something I’d only really do if I was feeling self destructive and needed a distraction. Shaving my head again wouldn’t provide the same relief or adrenaline rush. Not to mention, growing that hair out is a bitch.
I should really go run errands now. Ugh don’t wannnaaaaaa.
I want to write more. I don’t know about what. I want to do something new and exciting. I want to do more, be more. Sometimes I wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Like in an irreparable way. Like maybe my dad and I are the only ones who are an odd, unacceptable fit. Haha
Yay it’s Friday.
Okay, I gotta pee now. And run errands. Merp.
I really like Pitbull. Idky.
i need new shoes =_=
someone should run and play in the rain with me
Spanish writers have such a beautiful way with words. I miss Spanish.
So I should be doing my homework right now (and still haven’t started~) or researching companies to meet for the career fair tomorrow (haven’t started~~) or preparing for the interview I have with Kimberly-Clark tomorrowww (~~~HAVEN’T STARTED~~~) or studying (SUPERBLY HAVEN’T STARTED AND WILL NOT) or I don’t even know what. And by tomorrow, I mean today. All today. Today, just today. All today. Later today.
I haven’t had a laptop for 3 weeks because it broke out of the blue, and I didn’t know how to fix it (apparently something in my hard drive was dislodged so it was fixable except I didn’t know that nor did I know how to fix it so I guess it wasn’t really fixable for me), and now I finally have it baaaack. Happy happy me.
I’ve had an interesting past few weeks back. I have a lot of catching up to do because I’m just so absolutely behind on everything. (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday be good to me) Especially with that unexpected interview tomorrow. Surprisingly, it went well (meeting with recruiters at the career fair) albeit being the first company I talked to (career fair prep, rule number-one-after-having-a-resume-and-suit: don’t talk to a company you’re reaching for first). But I suck at interviews and I have nothing to talk about and I don’t know why anyone would hire me, so we’ll see…
Meanwhile, if any of you want to do a good deed and stay off your phones, you should go to uniceftapproject.org [on your phone]. For every minute you don’t touch your phone, they donate a cup of water to someone in need. It’s kinda stupid, but whatever. And it’s wasting my battery, but I’ve been going on for about an hour straight (and a total of 20 minutes of disconnected segments beforehand).
I’ve been meeting a lot more people recently. For the past year and a half, I’ve essentially been a hermit. People just didn’t interest me, and I stayed away and I was content. And then I met J- and then I became Treasurer and did some other stuff that required talking to people and random people started reaching out and I reached out to old friends (some I never followed up to… eek, I should do that soon), and now I’m saturated with social interaction. It’s overwhelming, and I’m not used to it because I just get lonely a lot more easily now and it’s become more unbearable than it ever has been.
J-. J-. J-. I never talked about J- in depth. I never knew what to say about him. I suppose all that I really do know is that I’ve fallen fast and I’ve fallen hard, and it’s so real that it scares me. He’s incredible and beautiful and absolutely frightening and loving and quite a force of nature. Although I do think I spoil him too much and feed his ego, which is out of character for me, as most of you should know. He’s lovely and surreal and tragic and wholesome and ugh, I can’t even. Shh don’t tell him, if you know him. He gives me hope, and he inspires me to be a better person and to be better, to think and expect better of people. And he’s just so indescribably beautiful. The way his eyes change when he talks about the things he loves to do and drift off as though he can see it right in front of him and how he won’t shut up about explaining the smallest details and how you can see the excitement tremble in his hands and the liveliness of his voice. The way he freaks out and flips out and laughs so lightheartedly and thinks he’s so funny and cute, especially when he’s Snapchatting (ooh I met recruiters from Snapchat, and they were adorbzzz. I heard they were giving away free cupcakes and stickers and I didn’t get any and I was sad and I wish I studied computer science instead. I would’ve aced that, especially with my tech savvy daddums). The way he chews, the way he tries to wink+lip bite seductively and adorably fails, the way he adheres to his little tells and habits, the enthusiasm he speaks with when he sings praises about the wonderful people he’s met and the friends he loves and how his eyes light up. The way his anger and frustration are confining and consuming and internalized and self-induced bitterness and try to chase people away or just to challenge them to stay despite it all. The way his sorrow reigns as chains upon his heart and divides his soul. The way he speaks about his dreams and endeavors to help others and save the world. The way his eyes are weary but twinkling, his smile worn but dazzling, his brows dark and fierce like caterpillars, and his lips chapped but always so soft and seeking. His amusement and laugh so inviting, his love so questioning, and his adoration and caring so unrestrained. His words so cut and honest, his demeanor so guarded yet genuine.
I still don’t have the words to describe him or talk about him. Even this is so raw and unpolished. I wish I could write or paint or compose or sculpt or sing so I could immortalize him into present perfection. Not to make a god of him or anything of the sort, but rather to show the world that such a lovely specimen exists so perfectly with a harmony of imperfection and worldliness. To be human. I have a bit of a god complex, and if I were a god, he’d be my Adonis.
He’s not perfect. At all. And he scares me. But I’m in a mood where I don’t want to talk about those things. Even generally and vaguely.
I miss Elaine. Mother Sine is snoozing away on my bed. I should do my homework and sleep soon. Elaine’s been asking me to help her with homework more recently. I haven’t been too good about it. I miss her. I need to get back in touch with my baby girl. And my parents. Mama and daddy Sine. It’s tough being away from home. And home is where the heart is. And right now, my heart’s been divided among many now, so I’m torn and pulled here and there. The byproduct of caring. I’m still struggling to manage how to deal with the feelz. I must sound pretty pretentious to people that don’t really know me. Dis human girl thinkin she can do shet and talkin lyk she dont need ta feel if she dont wanna. Yeah, I really don’t care what you think. THaT mUchH hAsN’T cHANgEd.
I’m getting super tired now. Maybe I’ll research companies last minute during class or something. Maybe donate blood tomorrow too. To join OXE. Harhar. I’ve put that off for an entire year now. Ugh stupid me. Why can’t I get my life back together. What do I even want. I can’t even go to med school [easily] with my current GPA. We’ll see, we’ll see. Maybe I’ll just ace the MCAT or something. Pull another ACT or something. Maybe I can channel those genius genes in me. Harhar.
First off, I should probably clean my room and my bag and then clean my life up. Hahahaha ah if only y’all saw my room. Maybe I’ll put pictures up.. Yeah, I’ll do that. Update you guyz on ma lyfe.
gddammit i just lost all my picture files. i’m going to murder someone. ugh file recovery doesn’t even work. i’m so sad. i lost like a month’s worth of photos. ugh. ugh. ugh. ughughugh.
yay so i have my laptop back which means i can write all your guys’ letters now (cos i had it saved on my post it notes on my laptop cos i deleted my messages cos i’m weird like that and you don’t get to judge me) and leisurely go on tumblr and facebook and all my other weird.. sites.. and mass send elaine stuff on facebook again and do my homework in my room (so excited cry cry) and watch tv shows again and study wherever i want and i don’t even know.. all the endless possibilities whoa
I just realized that I’m incapable of describing people I care about. They always end up sounding like idiots because I can never find the words to accurately portray them and my feelings for them. So I act like a 5 year old whose turn it is to show and tell.
?when she was 7, a boy pushed her on the playground
she fell headfirst into the dirt and came up with a mouthful of gravel and lines of blood chasing each other down her legs
when she told her teacher what happened, she laughed and said ‘boys will be boys honey don’t let it bother you
he probably just thinks you’re cute’
but the thing is,
when you tell a little girl who has rocks in her teeth and scabs on her knees that hurt and attention are the same
you teach her that boys show their affection through aggression
and she grows into a young woman who constantly mistakes the two
because no one ever taught her the difference
‘boys will be boys’
‘that’s how he shows his love’
and bruises start to feel like the imprint of lips
she goes to school with a busted mouth in high school and says she was hit with a basketball instead of his fist
the one adult she tells scolds her
‘you know he loses his temper easily
why the hell did you have to provoke him?’
so she shrinks
folds into herself, flinches every time a man raises his voice
by the time she’s 16 she’s learned her job well
be quiet, be soft, be easy
don’t give him a reason
but for all her efforts, he still finds one
‘boys will be boys’ rings in her head
‘boys will be boys
he doesn’t mean it
he can’t help it’
she’s 7 years old on the playground again
with a mouth full of rocks and blood that tastes like copper love
because boys will be boys baby don’t you know
that’s just how he shows he cares
she’s 18 now and they’re drunk
in the split second it takes for her words to enter his ears they’re ruined
like a glass heirloom being dropped between the hands of generations
she meant them to open his arms but they curl his fists and suddenly his hands are on her and her head hits the wall and all of the goddamn words in the world couldn’t save them in this moment
she touches the bruise the next day
boys will be boys
aggression, affection, violence, love
how does she separate them when she learned so early that they’re inextricably bound, tangled in a constant tug-of-war
she draws tally marks on her walls ratios of kisses to bruises
one entire side of her bedroom turns purple, one entire side of her body
boys will be boys will be boys will be boys
when she’s 20, a boy touches her hips and she jumps
he asks her who the hell taught her to be scared like that and she wants to laugh
doesn’t he know that boys will be boys?
it took her 13 years to unlearn that lesson from the playground
so I guess what I’m trying to say is
i will talk until my voice is hoarse so that my little sister understands that aggression and affection are two entirely separate things
baby they exist in difference universes
my niece can’t even speak yet but I think I’ll start with her now
don’t ever accept the excuse that boys will be boys
don’t ever let him put his hands on you like that
if you see hate blazing in his eyes don’t you ever confuse it with love
baby love won’t hurt when it comes
you won’t have to hide it under long sleeves during the summer
the only reason he should ever reach out his hand
is to hold yours?
Fortesa Latifi - Boys Will Be Boys
(And Why That Is The Stupidest Thing You Could Ever Say To A Little Girl)
- elaine: You have something on your face.
- me: It's a pimple.
- elaine: I have a pimple there too!
- me: ... Uh ...
- elaine: We have matching pimples!
- me: alskghslkdajfdld good for you.
- me: *taking selfies*
- elaine: Are you taking a selfie?
- me: ...
- elaine: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE TAKING SELFIES!
- me: ... -_-
- elaine: HAHAAHA YOU'RE TAKING SELFIES!
- me: Does this picture look good?
- elaine: YOU'RE TAKING INSTAGRAM PICS?!?
- me: ...
- elaine: Sure. I mean, yes. YES.
- me: Hehehe. You know me too well. I don't believe you.
- elaine: THEN DON'T BELIEVE ME. GOSH.
- elaine: How do you make a model out of a Lewis diagram?
- me: I am the wrong person to ask.
- elaine: And you call yourself a WHAT ENGINEER?!?
- me: Ugh I have to go in 30 minutes.
- elaine: Okay.
- me: What?
- elaine: I SAID OKAY. GO.
I wanna buy a ring. Or like 5. Of The same kind. Should I.