It’s all done. It’s all gone. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t want to feel. I just don’t want to be.
IM SO ANGRY
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
Why would Frozen ever win any awards? Aw come frickin on, Academy Awards… -_-
?I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what we do.?
Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus
?I often feel as if I’m standing on one side of a wide chasm, shouting across, wondering if the response I hear comes from you or if it is my own voice, echoing back to me. It seems to me, on my side of the canyon, the search for unity with another is the front of much of the world’s unhappiness… I conduct myself as though I’m above matters of the heart, chiefly because I have seen them corrode people I respect. But in my candid moments I sometimes wonder if I take the stance I do because love, for lack of a better word, is a game I fail to understand, so I opt not to play. After all, if I truly had the purity of all my convictions, I wouldn’t regret so many of the things I’ve done, nor would I resist against so many of my better instincts in this correspondence.?
SH, Elementary S2E12
i think i’ve regressed a few weeks in terms of how far we’ve come along
i’ve been frozen immobile by fear and doubts
- *after watching a music video*
- me: Does she look like me?
- elaine: No.
- me: Am I prettier?
- elaine: ... *pause* Yes.
- me: Why was that pause so long?
- mommy: Maybe Elaine doesn't think so. Not for mommy, but maybe Elaine doesn't think so.
- elaine: Do you know what umma said while it (videochat) was muted?? She said the other girl was prettier!
- me: *gasp* How could you?
- mommy: *laughing* I can't believe you told her.
- elaine: If you're bringing me down, I'm taking you with me!
- mommy: *amused disbelief*
- elaine: But you can tell that girl was just a sexual object.
- me: ... *lol*
- elaine: All she does is sit there, and she has no meaning in her life.
- me: *lolol*
- elaine: At least you have meaning in your life.
- mommy and me: *laughing*
- elaine: And a pretty face!
(but writing takes up so much gddamn time and i don’t go to church to avoid listening to sermons and use that time to write instead and i have an odd obsession with typing oh lawdie i love typing)
Currently: eating J Gumbo’s and webcamming with Rain and listening to my computer whirring (would turn on music but Google Hangout is killing my internet and my preferred music player is Youtube. Agh maybe I’ll turn iTunes on. Dang nabbit)
?You shouldn’t care if that girl has cellulite if she’s going to have sex with your tiny Asian penis.?
Jesh, on chauvinistic boy talk
?You know what makes me feel awkward and not awkward at the same time? … Prostitutes. Because we are all prostitutes. We may not sell our bodies, but we sell our services.?
?This is why you get drunk by yourself. Because you don’t listen to other people.?
?Delete her number.
Stop ringing her. Stop messaging her. Stop making excuses to see her, to drop by her place.
Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.
She loves you.
She has been in love with you for too long.
So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.
Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.
Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.
Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.
What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.
Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reachvout to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?
She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.
But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.?
Lauren Hooper (via mrsfscottfitzgerald)
Fucking preach… This put me into tears cause this is exactly where I am in life. The sad thing about it is I know… and I’m still letting it fucking happen to me.. Why.
I liked reading this. It was very imperative and engaging and lots of other good things.(via gingerhobbit-tealover)
thisispemoo said: The lead singer of FIR happens to be one of the biggest twatbaggies in the music industry which might explain the chauvinistic lyrics. hue.
totally not surprised. hahaha twatbaggies. so frustrating to listen to them.. elaine listens to some strange bands. i feel like i fail as an older sister for letting her listen to these songs.. hahaha